How many times have you heard someone observe aloud that the best things in life are free? I don’t know about you, but as a much younger person, I scoffed, or more likely, rolled my eyes when someone offered up those trite words. There are just some things that we don’t “get” until we’ve lived a little more, until our own experience offers up the evidence, you might say. Looking back, I now see that seven-word phrase for what it is – an intangible gift to be savored and pondered.

With close family members spanning the ages of a mere one to a grand 80, I am asking myself how often and how mindfully I am gifting the intangibles. You know, things like:

kindness

patience

support 

compassion

Even good cheer when needed.

And then, unexpectedly, I find myself thinking about two recent conversations that made me see another – self-esteem – the overall sense that a person has in his or her value or worth. 

When you observe someone, you can see the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem. The first is more about having trust in certain capabilities – I’m great at learning languages, for example, but numbers confound me! Confidence in the former, trepidation in the latter. Self-esteem is different. It cuts to the core of how we see ourselves and often reveals itself when the chips are down. 

Research tells us that self-esteem is “based on what we know about ourselves and how we feel about what we know.” When our self-esteem is healthy, we see ourselves as worthy and act in our own best interest. When it’s not, we’re bombarded by a host of “I’m less than” thoughts and feelings. When you care about someone, it’s hard to hear them get stuck in a place where they are clearly devaluing themselves. 

Many of us are adept at confidence boosting. Look no further than those “you go, girl” messages and thumbs up emojis we’re fond of sending. That’s a good thing, of course, but when someone’s self-esteem needs shoring up, it’s our showing up that can make a positive difference.

6 Ways to Help Boost Someone’s Self-Esteem 

• Listen up. Create an open space in your conversation, so they can speak from the heart. Focus all of your attention on their words, their tone of voice and even their body language. When you “gift” in this way, you send the message that their concerns matter and are worthy of being heard and understood. This, in turn, communicates that they matter. 
• Express your care and concern. Speak from your heart. Let them know how much you value them and their place in your life. When you share this, you send a powerful message about their value – whether or not they see it right now.  
• Let them hear your sincere, positive feedback. You might start with something like “I hear you. And, I’d also like to share what I see.” Then offer up specific qualities or strengths that amaze you about them. It’s crazy how seldom we tell the people we care about the most how truly incredible they are. We sometimes think “well, they already know I think they’re awesome” or “we’ve been friends forever, so it’s obvious.” No, they don’t and no, it isn’t. Put it out there. It will act as a positive counterpoint when the demons of low self-esteem start acting up. 
• Reflect what you see. Remind them of their successes, their courage and their proven ability to get back up when they’ve been down. It’s a little like “producing the evidence.”
• Acknowledge and embrace the absurdity. Let’s be honest – life is one crazy ride for most of us. When that aspect of the journey arises in the conversation, be ready to go there to find the humor. Doing so helps to put perspective on the bigger picture. 
• Encourage them to do the things that they enjoy and to “take that next step.” We can easily get stuck in a vicious cycle of negative self-talk when we question our value and our fundamental worth. By encouraging the person you care about to move forward, you are also communicating “you are worth it.”

It’s an intangible gift that is nothing short of priceless.