The Five Types of Men You Meet While Speed Dating

Anxious about venturing out into the dreaded dating pool? Here are the five types of men you’re likely to meet during your next round of speed dating.

The Boaster

The speed dating event has just begun, and you’re fresh-faced and full of hope. As soon as your first potential match sits down across the table from you, you enter the conversation with an open mind. Unfortunately, the first bachelor is clearly trying to impress you by monopolizing the conversation about every city he’s ever lived in, how many degrees he has earned (or is still working on), and even shows you his latest arm tattoo. At first, you’re tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he’s just nervously rambling. The more he babbles, however, the quicker your patience is fleeing. Fortunately, the first round is up, and it’s time to amicably part ways and hope for a better second round.

The Rebounder

Although you’re slightly less optimistic than when you entered into the previous round, you tell yourself that the next contestant has to be better than the first. A seemingly normal prospect sits down and actually asks you questions about your life. When you inquire about his life in return, you soon realize that this man is still hung up on his ex-fiancé, who you now know more about than you ever wanted to know. You listen to his sob story about his ex-fiancé’s infidelity and how he’s “just trying to get back out there,” but you’re almost 30 years old and don’t have time to waste on a man who can’t stop talking about his ex within the first five minutes of meeting someone. The speed dating session is looking grimmer and grimmer by the minute, and you’re now dreading whoever is going to sit down next.

The Ideologue

At this point, you’re expecting the worst – and rightfully so. Your next suitor arrives wearing exceptionally large, trendy glasses, but otherwise seems well put together. The conversation starts off smoothly, but before you can relax, he somehow manages to slide in a snide political comment as a way to feel you out in terms of your political beliefs and leanings. Not interested whatsoever in getting into a political argument with a stranger, you aloofly try to change the topic, but this also offends him – because how dare you not be concerned with the issue at stake?

The Middle-Aged Partier

By the fourth round, you’ve lost all hope in love and your future. When the fourth contestant makes his way to the table, you immediately know this is also going to be a flop. When you ask him what he likes to do in his spare time, he informs you that he enjoys partaking in a few illegal substances. In fact, he even asks you if you have a lighter. You’ve completely died inside and have already succumbed to the harsh reality that you’re going to spend an eternity alone.

The One Who Got Away

It’s the final round and you’re more than ready to go home to a glass of wine and a Hulu marathon of Vanderpump Rules. In a shocking turn of events, a charming and handsome man makes his way to your table. He’s so polished and seemingly normal that you actually become a bit sweaty and stumble over your words. You both seem to have similar personalities and share common interests in hiking, travel, and choices in food. When he says something funny, you let out a genuine, heartfelt laugh – a laugh so hearty that it accompanies a disgusting snot rocket that flies across the table. He’s polite enough to act like he didn’t notice, but you are humiliated and sense that he is repulsed. When the round ends, he politely shakes your hand and leaves the table, never to be heard from again.

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