Someone once said to me: “Pure kindness pays off…being kind is a way to make our own lives, and the lives of others, more meaningful.”
Indeed. Kindness makes an impact on the giver and the receiver, reinforcing a quality that is its own reward. You may say “It’s just what I do, and how I am. I’m there for people if they need me.” Yes, it is how most of us think of kindness.
Self-Compassion: Kindness Turned Inward
The other side to kindness – the one that researchers say may make us more resilient and more happy – is called “self-compassion,” the practice of turning kindness inward by being comforting and supportive of yourself. This practice allows you to hold yourself accountable in positive and productive ways, instead of beating yourself up mercilessly and getting stuck. Dr. Kristin Neff from the University of Texas at Austin explains: “With self-compassion, if you care about yourself, you do what’s healthy for you rather than what’s harmful to you…the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent…they believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.”
Harmful Habits of Mind
We know what “harmful” sounds like in our own heads – your significant other says that he needs a time out, and you think “I’m a loser.” You lock yourself out of your car, and you say to yourself “you idiot!” Negative internal feedback tends to be habitual, and it does nothing to enhance your coping abilities or your happiness. It doesn’t contribute anything.
But, turning kindness inward does.
Some researchers consider self-compassion a form of self-coaching: “It’s far more important to be kind to yourself than it is to have high self-esteem,” concludes Duke University’s Dr. Mark Leary.
Develop Self-Compassion
Dr. Neff’s research indicated that people who are really compassionate to others tend to be hard on themselves. Even if you are a person who tends to focus on the clouds passing by instead of the sun peeking through, you can develop your capacity for self-compassion. There are things that you can’t change, such as a genetic predisposition to gloominess or the difficult experiences that may have contributed to your outlook. But, you can always change your interpretation and the perspective that you carry forward.
As Dr. Leary reminds us: “When bad things happen to a friend, you wouldn’t yell at him.”
That made me pause, and so I asked myself: “If I consistently treated myself as my own best friend, particularly when I stumble, how would I demonstrate self-compassion?” Well, I would:
- Respect who I am – strengths, weaknesses, blind spots and idiosyncrasies alike.
- Encourage myself by focusing on my accomplishments, strengths and gifts.
- Resolve to learn from my mistakes and continue to grow.
- Forgive myself and move on with more joy and less worry.
That’s what self-compassion looks and sounds like for me – which leads me to think that developing the habit of self-compassion is a wake-up call with a significant, positive payoff.
Ten Tips for Nurturing Self-Compassion
Learning to turn kindness inward may take some practice, so consider how these tips can help you pivot inward with self-compassion:
- Get serious about your own well-being.
- Hold yourself to a high standard of self-respect.
- Help yourself or get help when you need it – you matter.
- Recognize when you are feeling sad, angry or upset.
- Listen to yourself with compassion; don’t be so quick to pass a negative judgment.
- Monitor what you say to yourself – check that tendency to beat yourself up.
- Be patient with yourself when you make a mistake…so that you can get over it and move on.
- Give yourself time to be with your thoughts and feelings.
- Forgive yourself, period.
- Give yourself a hug, rock or stretch. Crazy, I know, but physical movement helps to alleviate stress and calm emotion.
Self-compassion brings kindness full circle. It is a remarkable tour de force that builds resilience, happiness and a more positive life experience. I’m on my way. I hope that you are, too.
