Throughout my life, I’ve heard older adults around me express relief at how they no longer cared as much about what others thought of them now that their teenage years and 20s had passed. As someone who struggles with social anxiety, I never thought I would see the day that I finally believed the hype. I was convinced that their sentiments were just another rationalization they were telling themselves to starve off nostalgic feelings of fleeting youth. I am relieved to be able to say that I am now eating crow.
One thing I have noticed at 32 is that it’s true – I do care much less about filtering myself or “fitting in” as I used to; however, due to my inherent neuroticism, I will never not care. As cheesy as it sounds, assertiveness has been my personal theme for 2025 so far, and no longer fawning in response to injustice or mistreatment has become one of my newest hobbies. Practice makes perfect when it comes to mastering most skills, and, to put it frankly, no longer tolerating people’s “crap” has now become a form of dopamine for me. It gives me a rush. In fact, I’ve even started actively seeking out opportunities to do so – within reason, of course.
Depending on genetic predispositions and environmental factors, not everyone responds to trauma in the typical “fight or flight” mode we often hear spoken about as average Joes. When I use the term “fawning,” I refer to the subconscious trauma response of simply agreeing to or going along with someone else’s problematic behavior to keep the peace or avoid consequences. Just like “fight or flight,” fawning is also a deep-rooted, instinctive and protective response to a perceived or real threat that stems from adverse childhood experiences and other endured trauma. I’m no psychologist and I won’t babble on much further but, in short, I am labeling myself as a long-term “fawner” actively in recovery.
I do attribute some of my dedication to growing assertiveness to years of weekly therapy, but I believe much of my newfound determination to stand up for myself is the result of naturally growing tired of settling for less. As the years have passed and life experience has piled up, I’ve realized and accepted that I am no longer a young adult; I have to fully advocate for myself or I will not end up where I want to be. While some may come to this conclusion earlier in life, a late bloomer like me has found this realization freeing, but also one of great responsibility. With my 30s seemingly flying by, I must begin living. I can no longer cower and play small to placate cognitive distortions that have held me back for most of my life thus far.
Although this is an enormous first world problem, I’m no longer letting it slide or driving off resentfully when Bojangles doesn’t include the honey mustard I requested. When I don’t receive a product or service I paid for, I will speak up instead of swallowing the expense and inconvenience. I am allowed to speak up and crack a risky joke in team meetings at work, because maybe my most valuable traits have been hidden in my unique sense of humor that I’ve been suppressing in an attempt to play it safe and be on my best behavior. If others are allowed to authentically show up in life, there’s nothing stopping me from following suit besides my own fears.
One of the biggest surprises I’ve encountered from my new tactic is that it’s actually working. When I speak up, I’m pleased with the outcome. I sit with the temporary discomfort of feeling “rude” or problematic by asserting my desires or needs and am often pleasantly surprised by the outcome. A large part of me mourns the years I spent unnecessarily suffering instead of tapping into this sooner, but everyone learns valuable life lessons on his or her own timeline. If avoidable, meaning you’re not someone like me who only learns through repeatedly being burned, take heed and don’t allow the fear of inconveniencing others or being a burden waste one more second of your valuable life.
