There is nothing easy about setting boundaries in any relationship, especially if you are non-confrontational and a people pleaser. Having boundaries with family members can seem almost impossible. So, is it possible to set boundaries with family and not hurt feelings? I am so glad you asked!
Only You Know What is Best for You
When you are faced with a decision, no doubt everyone thinks they know what is best, especially family members. They have known you forever, so of course you want their opinion, right? The best way to answer those who would “assist” you in making life choices, is to say, “I know you have a strong opinion about this, but I need to make my own decisions; although I value your input, I’m going to do what is right for me.”
You Can’t Ignore When Others Hurt You
We’ve all had those run-ins with family members who tend to hurt others and leave them in the wake of their destruction. They seem to have no problem saying hateful things and moving on with life, while you are left to process what anyone would act like they did. Been there, done that! If this behavior is tolerated, it will continue to be repeated. You might want to say, “I need to acknowledge what happened between us for my peace of mind and get a clear understanding of why you acted like you did.”
The Silent Treatment Speaks Volumes
Ever been to a family gathering when you were the recipient of the dreaded “silent treatment?” I have been on the end of that one, and it was miserable. To address this uncomfortable situation, you might say, “I’m not sure what has happened between us, but talking and working things out seems to be a better way to a resolution than complete avoidance.”
Being the Bigger Person May Not Be Possible in Every Situation
On a personal note, I chose to be the “bigger person” for many years with a family member. All I got from that was severe anxiety and alienation when forced to be around the person. In short, it was miserable because even though I felt like I was doing the right thing by letting things slide, I was not. What my behavior did was show the person that I wasn’t going to stand up for myself, and no one else in the family wanted to stand up to the person either because she is a bully.
Constant Criticism is Not Helpful
Many people confuse criticism with being constructive, however, they are not the same thing. Criticism usually comes from a place of wanting to hurt you, but being constructive is usually from the perspective of improving oneself. When you feel like you are being criticized, you may want to say, “I appreciate your feedback when it is constructive, but I need it to be delivered in a way that is supportive and not hurtful.”
Keeping the Peace vs. Well Being
We all have those family members who everyone tiptoes around because they have a short fuse or are easily agitated. Who wants to live like that? Well, I did for a couple of decades, and it was miserable. Every family gathering was dreaded, and I felt like I had to filter every word before I spoke in this person’s presence. If I could do things over, I would face this head on and not sacrifice my well being to appease this person, but luckily, I am out of that situation.
Those Who Dismiss Your Feelings Aren’t the Ones You Want Around
When you sit down and have a heart to heart with a family member, and they seem like they are hearing and understanding your perspective but then completely dismiss everything that you said, there’s a pretty good chance they will never “hear” you or care how you feel. If you want to give it one last shot, you might want to say, “It’s really important to me that you acknowledge my feelings. When they’re completely dismissed, it makes me feel unheard and unvalued. I would appreciate you taking my emotions seriously, as I do yours.” It’s hard to argue with that statement. Remember, you deserve to be treated as a valued member of a family and loved for who you are. Don’t forget that fact!
