In late summer of 2016, with the crepe trees in full and pungent bloom and generally happy lives, my son and I found that our ship of state suddenly foundered, losing its ballast and tossing us onto a stormy, obdurate and uncertain sea. My life partner suffered a sudden stroke and died hours later. Forever gone were the dreams of moving to Ireland – Bill’s ancestral home – and buying a home in a place where we could throw some roots down deep. I can remember thinking my life was over and my son would never have as great a stepfather as he had had for 12 years. An old friend of few words handed me a piece of paper with the sentiment “When the winds of change blow, adjust your sails” and said “You need this.” I recognized that moment as an epiphany weeks later and it changed the very architecture of my life. That very day, my son had received a letter from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro notifying him that he had been accepted to the graduate program in American history. It was as if that acceptance letter was telling us, “here’s a second chance to make a new life” and reconfigure our lives which had lost their moorings. Nothing less than starting something new somewhere and somehow.
Days later, I began making arrangements for our move to the southeast and notified the landlord we were relocating. I found a house to rent online and a person to drive our car 3,000 miles with us in it. I left behind family, close friends, a terrific job, a great place to live and Berkeley – the city where my son was born and we had both gone to school. Virtually no one supported the move, voicing reservations about how we were making “a big mistake” and California was “the very best place to live.” But, one literary comrade sent me an email with author Stephen King’s quote in it: “life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow,” do it! Somehow that quote helped me begin to change my mindset, realizing that one can start over anywhere and that second chances conceivably have the power to produce positive outcomes. When I came across someone named Marc Chernoff and his article “12 Ways To Get A Second Chance In Life,” I was a believer. Below are the majority of the ways he suggested to reframe one’s life and move forward with vigor towards a new and fulfilling one:
- “Let go of the past – what’s done is done.” All of us will find ourselves facing difficulties in our life, but, concurrently, those difficulties will be accompanied by opportunities for personal growth. I made a tiny compromise: I kept my California cell phone number (and still do) but left the Bay Area and any regrets far afield.
- “Identify the lesson.” Marc says that “everything is a life lesson…never forget to acknowledge the lesson, especially when things don’t go your way. If you don’t get the job you wanted…it only means something better is out there waiting. And, the lesson you just learned is the first step towards it.”
- “Lose the negative attitude.” Marc argues that positive thinking creates positive results. Keep your eyes on the positivity ball – you are the curator of your destiny.
- “Focus on the things you can change.” I couldn’t change the fact of my partner’s untimely death. I DID have the money and wherewithal to relocate and the support of the one person who mattered most – my son. I turned a deaf ear to all the naysayers, started packing our belongings and imagining a happy life in North Carolina.
- “Figure out what you really want, and don’t waste your life fulfilling someone else’s dreams and desires.” Once I decided that we would accept a second chance at a new life in the Tarheel State, things suddenly felt easier and more achievable.
- “Concentrate on the essential – eliminate the fluff.” Marc was spot on with that – I gave away a ton of stuff to the Salvation Army, focusing on an economy of purpose – traveling light.
In August, we arrived at our new home in the Triad, marveling at the dogwood and sweet gum trees in our front yard and the bevy of cardinals, squirrels and chipmunks who noisily greeted us. Everything was so green and verdant and looked superlatively beautiful. We began our new life with excitement and ate a takeout dinner under a cluster of bright North Carolina stars. I like to think that God put that second chance in our path knowing we would take it. And, we never had a single regret that we did.
