Saying “no” is an essential aspect of establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in one’s personal and professional life. But, learning to say “no” is not an easy feat for many people – myself included. I have struggled with this issue virtually my whole life and generally capitulated to whatever forces wanted to have their way with me. I have given people money (who often had flimsy excuses and ultimately never paid me back), babysat five non-stop screaming children because their parent “couldn’t cope anymore,” been convinced by a 6’5” male roommate (who I was afraid of disappointing) to take care of his pet ferret whose looks and demeanor terrified me and even consented to being a depressed psychiatrist’s girlfriend (this, to someone I had no attraction to) because he confessed that he couldn’t bear to be alone anymore. The inability to say “no” got me into a multitude of pickles, but the indomitable fear of not going along with whatever game I was presented with was infinitely worse and a horrific stab wound to my psyche.

In the past year, I have thought about being what a blunt friend calls “a pushover,” realized that is an accurate characterization and decided to put my situation to rights. I started by looking at the psychological literature which analyzed the “fear of saying no” phenomenon and realized that I have a lot of company out there with the same problem. I learned that the fear of saying “no” often stems from concerns about disappointing others, being negatively judged or damaging relationships. Saying “no” can feel painful because it triggers feelings of guilt or anxiety about potentially letting others down or simply feeling selfish. Fear propels us into agreement, preferring harmony over confrontation. In my own case, I knew that I was often prioritizing peacekeeping over honoring my own needs. By opting for the path of least resistance, I was maintaining harmony and the other person’s goodwill. In the meantime, however, each unwilling concession was chipping away at my own autonomy and self respect.

I have come to see that, without clearly defined boundaries, one inadvertently opens the floodgates to incessant demands and expectations which leave us vulnerable to manipulation and exploitation. We say “yes” to any number of situations because:

1. Fear of conflict: We choose peacekeeping over honoring our own needs;
2. We are afraid of being perceived as selfish or fearing the repercussions of disappointing others;
3. Guilt or shame – We fear judgment and rejection and worry that a refusal to consent to a proposition might lead to abandonment or ostracization;
4. Social pressure. When a neighbor unrelentingly insisted that I purchase Girl Scout Cookies (which I don’t even like) from her daughter, I went ahead and bought several boxes. I never told her that I donated several bags of groceries AND the cookies to a local food pantry. I just couldn’t say “no” to her without feeling like a jerk.
5. Low self-esteem. We believe unfortunately that our value hinges on our ability to meet the needs of others. We say “yes” to gain approval and thereby affirm our own worthiness – even at the expense of our own well being.

Over time, I have gained some understanding about why I have inevitably had trouble saying “no.” I have finally transitioned to the next step – why everyone (including me) MUST learn to say “no,” despite the fact that it is rough and tough and not designed to make you popular. Here are my takeaways:

1. Learning to say “no” isn’t merely a skill – it is an act of self preservation and empowerment. It is a responsibility that we owe ourselves so that we can pave a path towards a life governed by authenticity, intentionality and personal freedom.
2. Set your boundaries. As P. Muris said in a 2023 article, “Psychology, Research and Behavior Management”: “If we constantly say ‘yes’ to others at the expense of our own needs, we signal to ourselves and the world that our time, energy and well being are expendable commodities.”
3. By saying “no,” we reduce unnecessary stress and reclaim agency over our lives, model healthy boundaries and tell the world that OUR needs matter.

In my newly constituted life, I practice self care – unremittingly. I now regularly practice saying “no” when I truly do not want to or am unable to lend my assistance to an individual. I suggest alternative solutions when declining a request, offer empathy and do help if I can. The words of Mahatma Gandhi provide solace to me: “A ‘no’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘yes’ uttered merely to please – or worse – to avoid trouble.” This has been my transformative journey, and I recommend it as a path to a more self loving and self respecting life.