“I really like you, but I can’t do long distance.”

I’ve heard it, I’ve agreed with it and I’ve probably even said it. One of the biggest detriments to a relationship is living far enough away that it’s challenging to see each other consistently. Even the impending idea of long distance can be fatal.

As a long distance survivor myself, I am here to say they can work. My boyfriend of four years, Henry, and I lived three and a half hours apart for the first two years of our relationship. Now, we live around one and a half hours apart. 

I write to you now in defense of long distance relationships. They can work and are worth it. Sometimes, it’s worth trusting your gut (in this case, your heart) with what feels like the right decision for your relationship.

Have Separate Lives

The most seamless time of our long distance era was when I was studying abroad in Prague, Czech Republic and he remained in Blacksburg, Virginia for five months. It sounds counterintuitive, but we actually did the best job creating lives separate from one another when we were the furthest apart physically.

While in Prague, I grew extremely close with the five girls I lived with, and we traveled together almost every weekend. Back at school, Henry had a strong social life within his fraternity, and his schoolwork slowed down. We made time for calling when we could without a set schedule, but I believe it was not difficult because we were so preoccupied – I took advantage of the finite time I had abroad while he made the most of his senior year.

As I think back, it’s probably better to have been forced to develop separate lives and independence in the beginning of our relationship. We avoided the temptation of seeing one another every day during the honeymoon phase which can lead to tiffs within friendships and the unavoidable “this is moving too fast” discussion. That kind of escalation is difficult to tone back so, in hindsight, a long distance relationship can force a level of healthy separation.

Let’s Talk

It can be frustrating not being able to kiss and make up after an argument over the phone or grab dinner after a difficult day, but that’s part of the deal. If you’re the kind of person who really values consistent closeness, physical or otherwise, distance will pose an obvious challenge. This frustration that has come with not being able to see one another has a positive side, too – the development of clear communication. Saying exactly what’s on your mind is hard, but long distance engrains that skill.

Consider Distance

Now, the question of the hour, should you pursue a long distance relationship? Unfortunately, there’s no right answer to that. I will remind you of this – people break up even when they aren’t also navigating distance. I am not here to convince you to jump immediately into a long distance relationship, but maybe see the possibility of something that was considered a nonstarter.

There is a beautiful side to distance, as well. Before it’s even said out loud, written in between the lines it states: “I like you enough that I want to be with you when we’re far apart, and I see enough potential that we’ll one day live in the same place.” The likelihood of the perfect person living right next door? Slim to none. 

If it feels right, it’s worth pursuing. If it doesn’t work, that’s okay, too. In defense of long distance, the important thing is that if it feels like it’s worth a try, that’s rarely regretted.