In a recent chat over coffee with my BFF, she said that she felt like she was losing herself in her relationship. She always felt like she was playing catch up and trying to keep her head above water in meeting the needs of her significant other, while she never felt like her needs were being met. If you have ever been in a similar place, you know how she is feeling. But, are those feelings in your head or are you really experiencing red flags to let you know you are losing yourself in trying to meet another’s needs? I am so glad you asked!
You Think You Matter As Much As They Mean to You
First, not everyone has your heart. We tend to think that everyone is like us in the “heart department.” If I love with all my being, then obviously, anyone I love will do the same, right? Nope! In many instances, we stay in relationships where our needs are consistently ignored, slowly losing touch with what we need and deserve. We can get so focused on our mate’s needs that we put ours on the back burner and, unfortunately, our feelings stay out of sight and out of mind. Realize that your needs and feelings matter as much as your significant other’s do and don’t discount what you need from a relationship.
If I Don’t Say Anything, I Won’t Rock the Boat
Second, when we avoid speaking about hurtful behavior, sacrificing our own feelings just to keep the peace or not wanting to rock the boat, we often do not know how to feel anymore. You can only ignore yourself so long before you really become numb to feeling anything at all. There may be certain things you feel strongly about, but if you continually dismiss your feelings about a topic or situation, eventually, you almost become ambivalent about how you really feel. Don’t worry about rocking the boat when you may be in the wrong boat to begin with!
Boundaries Are Necessary in Any Relationship
Third, if you don’t set boundaries with people, from your significant other to friends, you will find yourself trying to fit into what others expect you to be and not who you are. Boundaries help to protect you from being used and taken advantage of by others. When you think of setting boundaries, you may feel guilty, as though protecting yourself is wrong. This causes you to ignore your own well being and shrink yourself to fit who others want you to be, not being your authentic self. No one wants to live like that, so don’t do it!
Feeling Emotionally Drained is Tiring
Fourth, living life emotionally drained is exhausting! You feel emotionally drained because you always put others first, leaving no space for your own needs or identity. Ultimately, you often feel resentful and wonder if you’re a bad person after all. There comes a time when you need to realize your emotional, mental and physical health needs to take precedence over anyone in your life. You can’t continue to give and give to people while losing yourself. Each time you give more than you are receiving, you become a little more resentful and feel a bit smaller than you are in the relationship. Stand up for yourself!
Your Comfort Matters, Too!
Fifth, when you agree to things you don’t want, putting others’ comfort above your own, you lose sight of what you truly want. People pleasers often back themselves into a corner by worrying how others feel and, then, when you reach the end of your people pleasing rope, you lash out and can say or do things that aren’t what you may have said or done had you just taken a stand before you needed to take control. Taking care of yourself before focusing on others is a good rule to follow throughout life.
