Conversation with Your BFF: “How Do I Handle a Friend Dating My Ex?”

About two years ago a friend and I had a discussion about some unconfirmed rumors she had heard from many sources that her ex-husband and one of their mutual friends were seeing each other. I even wrote about the chat in this column. She confronted both her ex and her friend and they both stated, with conviction, ‘We would never start seeing each other because that would destroy our friendships.’ Well, the ex and friend lied through their teeth, looking her straight in the eye. So, what does she do with this betrayal and the knowledge that all those rumors she heard were true? I am so glad you asked!

You’re Not the One Who Should Feel Stupid!

When you learn your ex and a friend are dating, you tend to beat yourself up. The little voice of ‘How could you be so stupid? Everybody and their brother told you something was going on. Even your ‘gut’ told you, but you trusted them to not hurt you and to act like actual people with a moral compass and respect!’ Repeat this to yourself: What they are doing is so unacceptable and you aren’t the stupid one in this situation. Your ex and friend aren’t the people you had hoped they were.

Part of the Attraction is the Taboo of It

Half of the excitement with a relationship that is unacceptable, especially for two narcissists, is the taboo aspect of it. Knowing that you are the topic of a bit of gossip can be exhilarating, but when they aren’t the topic of office water cooler chat, the appeal usually fades.

Class and Grace Go a Long Way When Dealing with Others Who Hurt You

Most people will tell your ex and friend, ‘We are so glad you two are together. You make a great couple,’ all the while saying behind their backs, ‘This is beyond tacky!’  Trust me, no one looks at the ‘new couple’ and sincerely thinks, ‘It’s so strange how nothing went on while they were each married, but now they’re suddenly in love.’ When anyone shares with you that they’ve seen the happy twosome out, just grit your teeth and smile – in the long run that serves you better than saying anything you might regret. 

At Least You Know Now Who Your REAL Friends Are!

The fact that this ‘friend’ did this behind your back makes you insecure about your other girl friends. You probably shared secrets about your marriage and ex with this former friend and now she’s dating the guy she agreed was not the best guy in the world and agreed that you deserved so much better than your ex, yet he is good enough for her. Hmmm, interesting, isn’t it? Don’t shoulder this hurt on your own; rely on your friends and let them know the pain you’re experiencing. Truth be told, your true friends probably saw through the denials from your ex and former friend long before their betrayal came out. An objective observer can usually spot two snakes in the grass long before the snakes bite you!

Focus on Your Own Life and Enriching It with Joy and Love

In the end, it really doesn’t matter what he or she is doing and what they are doing together. What matters is YOU and how you are living your best life, finding joy, loving, and experiencing each day with those you love and that love you. You no longer need to waste time on your ex, his family and friends, your former friend, and putting energy into defending them to rumors or wondering what, if anything, is going on. Things have been made clear and that is freeing. You now know the quality of people you were dealing with. Anyone who would hurt you to this degree, never apologizing or acknowledging that you were hurt, disrespected, and ignored, is no one you should want to even admit to ever knowing or being in a relationship with. Selfish, narcissistic  people with poor character, who see only themselves are a dime a dozen these days and being rid of them is a good thing. You may even want to rid yourself of those you know covered for your ex and friend when the rumors were flying fast and furious. Birds of a feather flock together and you don’t need them in your life either. 


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