My BFF and I were recently talking about what we want from our relationships, both in romance and in friendships, when we went down a rabbit hole of whether or not we were actually giving what the other person wants in a relationship or if we were just seeing what we weren’t getting. That was one deep rabbit hole, but a question I am so glad we asked!
You Cannot Receive What You Do Not Give
If you feel like you aren’t getting the support, love, understanding, care, appreciation and effort you believe you deserve, maybe start giving what you are lacking and see if it comes back in return. I have found that, when I give more emotionally to someone, be that a significant other, or a friend, for the most part, the giving flows back to me. Now, this doesn’t always happen; if it did, I wouldn’t be divorced, but I believe it is worth the effort and you can quickly learn how important you are to another person by how they respond. It may save you some time in relationships if you learn early on whether or not you are with someone who believes in reciprocating care.
What Are You Focused On?
Many times, I have found in my relationships that I’ve focused on the wrong things, mainly, what am I not getting? We tend to be on defense in relationships and only want to see what we are lacking and what we think could turn things around. Saying “if only…” is a bad place to find yourself in a relationship because the next step is usually “if only I had” or “if only he/she had….” Take a moment to get in touch with what you are giving out in care, affection, attention and time, and see if you up your game if that could help your partner or friend up theirs.
Are You Blind to What You Do Have?
We all have a little bit of narcissism in us at any given time in our lives, making our brains focus on all the things we are lacking in a relationship. We feel slighted if we aren’t invited to hang out after work or the gym; we feel left out if we don’t get the invite to the party; the list goes on and on. When we focus on all the things we feel we should’ve been in on, we ignore and subconsciously dismiss all the ways we are receiving connection from others because our brains are committed to the story and the narrative that we don’t have enough of something. Think of those times when your friend asked to get coffee with just you because your counsel is trusted, or the lunch you had with your coworker who is having a hard time after a loss in his or her life. It’s those little moments, not necessarily the big ones, like parties and large gatherings, that make an impact on a life and an impact is made in your life, too. It’s those one-on-one encounters where you get what you feel you need – the love, connection, appreciation, etc. and you also give those things back. Remember, it is the small details in life that can make a difference, and those are often times we gloss over.
