Blame is a powerful tool that some people will use to manipulate you. They’ll make you question yourself and your motives, all while taking any responsibility off of themselves. When someone blames you for things that aren’t your fault, it can create a toxic environment, leading to feelings of guilt, frustration and confusion. So, “how can I know if I am being accused of things I didn’t do, or am I really responsible?” I am so glad you asked!

Dead Giveaways You Aren’t to Blame

“I wouldn’t have yelled if you didn’t make me so angry!”

If someone shifts the responsibility for their anger and outburst onto you, it suggests that their reaction is a direct consequence of your actions, disregarding their own control over their actions. Everyone has to take responsibility for themselves, and they can’t always blame others!

“If you’d reminded me, I wouldn’t have forgotten!”

How many times has someone said this to us? By saying this, they refuse to take responsibility for their own forgetfulness, instead placing the burden on you to manage their own memory. It’s not your fault, so don’t accept it.

“You’re making me look bad in front of other people!”

This is a move to gaslight you and make you second guess yourself. Manipulation at its finest! This comment is suggesting that your actions are intentionally designed to embarrass or humiliate them, deflecting attention from their own behavior or shortcomings. I’ve had this happen many times and have fallen for it more than I should have.

“You should’ve known I’d react this way!”

First, remember you can’t read minds! Implying that it is your responsibility to anticipate another’s reactions and adjust your behavior accordingly is irrational. There is and always will be an unpredictability in human responses to any situation. Period!

“After everything I have done for you, this is how you treat me?”

Guilt tripping and leveraging past favors is a nasty way to blame someone. Implying that you owe someone unquestioning compliance because of a past favor is the height of gaslighting, so don’t fall for it. Call it out when you recognize it!

The Impact of Blame Shifting

Being subjected to constant blame shifting can erode your self esteem and create an environment where you feel you must constantly defend yourself. There are ways to best respond to those who are chronic blame shifters in your life.

Recognize the Pattern

Recognizing previously discussed phrases can help you recognize when someone is deflecting responsibility. Stay tuned in and know when you aren’t the problem.

Set Boundaries

Clearly communicate that you will not accept blame for things outside your control. Firm boundaries can deter further blame shifting. If someone knows you are on guard and knows that you recognize their attempts to deflect blame, they may think twice before trying their deception again.

Stay Calm

Remember that if you react emotionally, you lose control over the situation, so stay calm and reasonable. 

Understanding and addressing blame shifting behavior is important for maintaining healthy relationships and protecting your emotional well being. By recognizing these patterns, you can take steps to assert your boundaries and ensure that blame is fairly distributed.