From my late 20s to my early 30s, I saw the same therapist. My sessions were initially monthly or bi-weekly, later graduating to weekly therapy sessions when my mental health issues took a downward turn. After taking months off (temporarily), I am surprised to discover that therapy actually did benefit me in subtle ways, although it didn’t feel that way when I was regularly attending. Many of my sessions felt like I was venting to a close friend, and some of our sessions turned into arguments that challenged my perspective. Although I’m nowhere out of the mental health weeds, I am able to name a few valuable lessons I learned from my three years in therapy.

Pattern Recognition

Many mental health issues stem from simply being unaware of cognitive distortions, since thoughts are often automatic and hardwired from a young age. It wasn’t until deep into therapy that I realized my brain’s default is to anticipate rejection, assume others are being kind to me out of “pity” but secretly find me annoying, or mind-read others’ thoughts, making more negative assumptions about how they truly feel about me. My brain still does this – it is one of my biggest struggles. I scan every facial expression, every extra or non-existent punctuation mark and the moods of others for signs of impending rejection. If someone sighs loudly, I immediately think it’s because I’ve annoyed them. If I hear someone honking their car horn on the road, I immediately assume I’ve made a driving error. Anticipating the worst outcome is a protective strategy I adopted somewhere along the road to shield me from feeling blindsided and being left to deal with my intense feelings of disappointment and pain, but it has become a nightmare when it comes to trusting others’ words and intentions. I have not successfully slayed this psychological dragon, but catching myself when I am making assumptions and learning ways to challenge those thoughts is progress.

Dating Dysfunction

Since early adulthood, my dating life has been a series of me attempting relationships with various men with different appearances and demographics, yet the same emotional unavailability, avoidance habits, substance abuse issues and eventual emotional exhaustion from dealing with my hyper-anxiously attached emotions. The Freudian concept of repetition compulsion, or the subconscious habit of engaging in the same pattern in hopes of securing a different outcome, rings true for me. I carry a belief that if I can make the next “bad boy” fall for me, I must matter and that all my past pain will resolve. Therapy helped me identify, process and accept past traumas and wounds that motivate me to breeze past red flags, only feel a “spark” with certain personality types and ultimately end up recovering from a traumatic breakup or rejection for months (and even years) repeatedly. Although I still fall for this personality profile and continue to pay the price each time, I am getting better at recognizing the pattern while I’m in it, but still not healed enough to stay away. 

My Values

I always steered clear of examining what it was I truly wanted out of life and whether I was following someone else’s script, because I had never taken the time to truly reflect on what I want versus what I think I should do with my life. When my therapist first suggested that my obsession and hyperfixation with travel was serving as a distraction, and that I needed to find ways to find fulfillment close to home, I was taken aback. After hearing that, I began experiencing loneliness in solo travel unlike I did when I went on trips in my 20s, I started realizing the truth in my therapist’s statement. Now, I often pause and ask myself what it is that I want to do versus what I think I should do based on expectations from others. I’ve learned that I am happiest in nature, that it’s okay to decorate your apartment in silly animals at 33 and that I don’t have to base my life around an annual adventure that only lasts seven days. If I tune into what actually interests me or makes me feel positive emotions, I can incorporate those on a weekly basis at minimum in order to not waste my life away waiting for a vacation that is six months away.