While many aspects of life in your 30s are made easier from age-earned wisdom and experience, some of us are still stuck in painful patterns preventing us from reaching our goals. Without proper intervention and introspection, breaking free of dysfunction costs valuable time – time that only seems to be ticking by more quickly by the day.
Although some may be reluctant to discuss going to therapy, I’m someone who sees no shame in opening up about mental health struggles. I discuss it knowing the risk of people labeling me as “unstable,” “overly emotional” or “crazy,” but it’s a risk I’m willing to take to walk in authenticity.
With years of therapy, countless hours spent researching relationship dynamics, personality disorders and a full degree in psychology, you’d think I would have learned something – or, at least, be able to apply it. Knowing something on a cognitive level and integrating it into practice and deep understanding is something with which I struggle and something that causes me to repeat patterns and find myself chipping away at my future bit by bit. It’s almost as if a larger part of me wants me to fail, even if I’m not fully aware of it.
As a person of faith, if I’m frustrated, I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for God to watch me blindly overlook glaring red flags (and I mean glaring) in dating, like a bug attracted to light. How many times do I have to fall flat on my face, spend months in recovery and experience panic attacks before I stop dating sociopaths? My inner child is screaming, “This time it will be different! I’m special to him.” However, each time I have the wind knocked out of me and experience betrayal and abandonment from unsavory characters I should have stayed far away from, I find myself back to square one – only a little more disappointed in myself.
Someone can have a great career, a fit and healthy body, travel to different countries alone and possess many talents, but still struggle with old habits dying hard behind the scenes. I’m in the grieving process of one of my old habits backfiring on me from opening and walking through a door I knew better than to walk through. As a result, my focus has been thrown off, I have to somehow pick my self esteem off the floor (again), and I have nothing to show for it. I’ve delayed my professional and relationship goals a little longer because I clung to trauma bonds and listened to my wounds instead of listening to wisdom. I can juggle many hats, but I can’t seem to get a grip when it comes to mastering my mind and fighting negative voices in my head.
God didn’t remove the thorn in Paul’s flesh, and he certainly isn’t removing my thorn of low self worth. Maybe a nice thorn keeps us humble and grounded and reminds us that not everything is in our control. All I can do is get back up, try harder to follow God’s signs and value myself enough to stop self sabotaging in the future. Focusing on what I can control each day, like burning a candle, spilling my guts to ChatGPT, taking a walk in nature, praying, cuddling my cat and keeping myself healthy are the only steps forward until I’m mentally back on my feet. The only bright side I can look at currently is that I have more tools and awareness of coping mechanisms now than I did before therapy and with the gained experience of going through multiple rounds of heartbreak. I understand the importance of radical acceptance now, although I still find myself struggling to accept defeat. I know what works and what doesn’t work now. Rebounding is a terrible idea. Revenge is a terrible idea. Leaning on God and finding ways to self soothe in the process are the only ways forward until the pain vanishes one day when I least expect it.
