My BFF and I were recently talking about past friends who ghosted us. In my case, last year, my friend who dropped off the face of the earth, called and texted me, out of the blue one day. She acted like we had just spoken yesterday, when it had been more than 11 years. Yep, you read that right – 11 years! I struggled with what to do and I asked, “should I reconnect with a friend who ghosted me?” I am so glad I asked, and you will be, too!
Do I Ignore The Past and Act Like Nothing Happened?
First, it is completely natural to feel torn between calling or ignoring the attempt to communicate. When someone ghosts you – especially a friend – it can feel like a deep betrayal. Trust was broken without conversation or closure, and it is normal to want to protect yourself. I mean, you got hurt before, who’s to say it won’t happen again?
Before deciding whether to reconnect, ask yourself a few questions:
What do I want from this relationship now?
Take some time and think about whether you want closure and an understanding of exactly what happened to cause the broken bond, or are you hoping to rebuild what was lost? Will the past always be hovering over the new relationship because how do you just ignore someone hurting you and not giving your feelings a second thought?
Has anything changed?
Are they offering a genuine explanation or apology for the ghosting? Or, are they just pretending it never happened? Doesn’t the distance, especially 11 years, in my case, need to be addressed? Why do they want to reconnect now? Is there a motive you don’t see?
Can I truly trust my former friend again?
If being around your “friend” leaves you with anxiety, doubting yourself or questioning your worth, that’s not friendship. Do you want to hang out with someone when you have to walk on eggshells when you are with them?
If you choose to reconnect, you don’t have to jump back in at full speed. You can set clear boundaries and rebuild gradually – or even keep them at a friendly distance, rather than a close friend.
If you choose to not reconnect, that is valid, too. Closure doesn’t always come from the other person – sometimes it is a decision we have to make for ourselves. Accepting the apology you never got and probably will never get is a very real option.
Ultimately, forgiveness doesn’t always have to come with access. You can wish them well from afar and still honor the hurt they caused.
You are not obligated to make room for someone who walked away without explanation. Protect your peace first. If they want a second chance, they need to earn it – not just assume it.
In my case, the call and text opened up old wounds from never getting an explanation, so I wrestled with whether or not to call her back. A few weeks after the initial contact, I received a call with the message, “Hi there! Give me a call back; you’ll probably find it funny why I stopped talking to you.” Yeah, no it wasn’t funny 11 years ago and it isn’t funny now. So, I decided to give myself closure and realize that not everyone treasures friendships like I do, so she doesn’t deserve me back in her life.
