If you’ve been following my intermittent series on my experience with trusting God throughout heartbreak, the good news is that I have finally moved on. This summer, something suddenly changed. The skies were bluer. The weather was warmer. God threw me a few metaphorical bones (I’ll cover those shortly).
The bad news? I got a bit carried away with my fresh-out-of-depression “hot girl summer” and made a misstep. Because I underestimated how vulnerable to counterfeits I can still be after a season of isolation and healing, I am now dealing with a much milder turmoil that is fortunately only an emotional nuisance for the time being. Frustratingly, I have no one to blame but my unwise self. My faith in God has still never been stronger.
In early June, I was driving around town and saw an attractive man in his mid-20s jogging. Immediately, I had a sad, self-deprecating thought at my ripe age of 32. The days of finding a hot man like that are behind me. He wouldn’t find me attractive anymore – I’m too old for him.
One thing I have learned over the last year is that God has a way of making me laugh and tossing me nuggets of self esteem when I need them. Only a few minutes after I accepted my fate as an old maid, I was picking up takeout at a local restaurant and saw a young man I knew in his early 20s (24, to be exact), who had met me while I was on a first date with one of his acquaintances. This man was always polite and interested in me as a person. He had reached out a few times over the last couple of years, but due to his age and my unfortunate hang-up over his bad-boy acquaintance I was seeing at the time (that brutally crashed and burned), I brushed him off. This time around, I looked at him differently and as more of a mature prospect. He asked me out, and we had a few great dates, but due to our age difference, we broke things off relatively amicably.
As for that acquaintance? The acquaintance inspired me to meet the therapist I have now been seeing for more than two years, if that’s any indication of how that failed attempt at a relationship played out. It took me a year to “recover,” which was truly just a trauma trade off with my most recent heartbreak that trumped anything I had experienced prior. I thought I had moved on and harbored no romantic feelings for this infamous acquaintance any longer. I finally saw him for who he was and understood he lacked integrity, emotional maturity and a moral compass. He never deserved the time of day from me in the first place. I was healed.
Around late June, I ran into this acquaintance during a night out. I hadn’t spoken to him since I blocked him on all social media platforms and deleted his phone number more than two years before. Once he approached me and locked eyes with me, feelings that I had unknowingly repressed came rushing back and took me by surprise. He claimed that he had changed, understood that he needed therapy, had been working on his communication and was apologetic for how he handled things. He wanted a second chance, and it was music to my ears. I thought God was throwing me another bone. I was finally worth someone wanting to change and make things right with me. This was going to work out and all the pain would be worth it. What a beautiful full circle love story.
It didn’t take many dates before major inconsistencies and lies by omission began to reveal themselves one by one. His therapy was nonexistent, and red flags were glaring at me left and right. He was trying desperately to be a more honest person but was still failing. Although he is more emotionally available, responsible and communicative two years later, his integrity and moral compass are still greatly in question. To pour salt in the wound, he’s also more handsome with age with an even greater head of hair.
Unfortunately for him, he realized the person I am now is too strong in her faith to fall back into the sinful patterns he wanted me to without significant conviction. Thanks to years of therapy (inspired by his toxicity), I am also much better at setting boundaries. Unfortunately for me, however, it means another failed attempt at love. After my boundaries were pushed one too many times and my religious beliefs were belittled, I had to choose God over whatever romantic connection I had reestablished with such a handsome man who claimed to care. I have a soft spot in my heart for him and pray that he gets the help he needs to fight his battles and heal his significant traumas that are causing him to behave in dysfunctional ways. I will always feel a spark for him, but I believe only God can change people. I’m now grappling with the challenge of not internalizing his inability to value my virtues and instead view them as inconveniences to his lustful desires.
The biblically wise thing I should have done was never become romantically entangled with someone who wasn’t equally yoked with me regarding values and beliefs. The silver lining, however, is that I took a hard stance and ultimately put my desire to please God above my intense desire for a romantic relationship. I gained perspective about discernment, the capacity of others, managing expectations and found that men do find me desirable. Most of the time, I am just my own worst enemy.
It’s nice to have the fog of the last 18 months behind me. I am grateful to God for finally answering my prayer of lifting the heartbreak in whatever way He felt necessary. Although I’m still less than thrilled about being single, it’s at least nice to smile again.
